yes! can she swim!?

its time for a bigger change.

like, im seriously.

sobriety was the first "step" and now that ive got that down to a dull roar.

i want smiles. and people who can accept the real me. here. more so..

and constantly buying new crystals, books and anti depressants arent going to do the j-o-b.

therapy is..helpful. i think.

my dreams are shifting and im STARTING to get used to feeling everything really strongly.

i wouldnt say im intense like ive been hearing my whole life-just, hypersensitive and slightly ragey. on occassion.

the one thing ive ever actually been proud of is my ability to be alone, a LOT. its not a talent.

but-its helped me know who i am a little better OFF the drugs. and for that, im thankful.

i still wake up, not knowing where the fuck i am and whos body im in.

but, if i dont die off young-that could very well change.

the thing is..

im alice. and im constantly in wonderland..and im 20 now.. so i cant fucking stay there forever.

even though it may be easier..its not realistic.

i just wish charlie b. would come back to life and tell me how to make it, minus all the alcohol consumption he had adapted to. he'd probably tell me there is no fucking rulebook to life.

and id be all like: "yeah. so, like, what we're you thinking when you wrote that short story about blah and blah in the most beautiful woman in town..?"

and he'd be all like: "shit! JESUS! i dont know! fuck, i was probably drunk..wait..oh, i remember.."

but im not saying that people dont need people.

but i also think that it is partly a media-myth that we cant function or even wipe our asses after utilizing the toilet without thinking about someone else. maybe..im just..super self involved but-idk, thats just me sometimes.

and i kinda feel okay with it.

but i WANNA love someday. and i just might. all i know is im writing. im still fucked up. but goddamn, it is SO much better here.

i cannot believe i spent 19 fucking years of my life in that asshole of a city. it was like perpetual suffocation.

i kinda wanna play drums.

and work in a music store. (OMG IM PRETENTIOUS)

and compose some sort of anthology that ill never let anybody read.

just..

for me? yeah that sounds about right.

and maybe get a cat when i move out and name it dinah. since, ive always wanted to do that-because im suuuuch a faggot WOW.

jesus. eating. pussy.