"and at some point that sorrow will become a sweet spaciousness"

i feel sick.

i havent been able to move or eat much at all for like the past four days or so.

today was a strange day.

i walk outside and it everything feels unclean. and dead.

first i see a lady crying in her car while driving.

then i wait in a safeway parking lot and watch the parasites that surround me.

the sneezing man blasting britney spears in his stupid PT cruiser.

the giggling teens parking then checking their hair incessantly and ducking down behind the car doors so the employee they are visiting they can sneak up on. their laughter makes me nausous.

a greasy minority with snazzy cheap shades smiles after dicking around with the shopping carts and kisses one of the giddy fat teens.

a gnarly man with with a trucker hat and a rat braid pulls up next to our parked car, he puffs on his filthy cigarette-and slams the door loud next my ear while departing the vehichle.

i turn to my right and theres an National Rifles Association sticker on his car which appears warn and old. how. fucking. perfect.

a giant woman pulls up in a dirt covered gold mini van. she spends a fucking ridiculous amout of time teasing her hair with a fucking comb. on the way there i see people stuffing their faces. i see stereotype after stereotype whiz passed me.

i hadnt eaten..im about to pass out right there. we go to blockbuster.

i get there and am reminded how shitty their selection is. i walk in..well, more like, drag myself in. i cant take my sunglasses off, its too bright. there is one other family in there.

all i hear is the mother repeating herself over and over to her sons "pink panther 2 is HILARIOUS. i laughed out loud." i wanted to tell her she was the biggest idiot ever-then i also wanted to give her kudos on her bravery for saying that shit out loud. "you are a very brave retard. good day."

fuck.

i go to check out. the fucking cashier tries to talk me into a rewards deal for my rentals. goddammit, fuck off. i notice though, that she has what looks like a shark bite scar on her left arm. i am fascinated by this. i almost ask her what ocean she was swimming in and if it was a bull shark. but i restrain myself even though people ask me about my fucking arm all the time.

after 6 goddamn minutes of her trying to convince me to spend an extra 10 bucks i tell her that shes a good seller, but i aint buyin'.

i leave.

in the car on the way home i people-watch again-everyone is loud and monsterously huge. we pass adult store, after adult store.

thats when i remind her how much i fucking loathe humanity-how people make me homicidal..how everyones a fucking retard.

i go home finish a book-watch a film and lay on my back. then i turn on law in order SVU and watch the first ep. until its over. in the end the father of an adopted damadged girl(who didnt know she was a sociopath) finds out she has to get the death penalty, and has already lost one daughter. he tries to convince the DA to change the sentence-she says she cant, and he makes this face. and walks away. i immediately burst into tears like the biggest baby.

this is when i remember that people create hell on earth. that we get more blood thirsty and dependant on technology everyday..and distanced from our souls.

this is when i remember that groups like NAMBLA exist.

this is when i remember how many bad parents there are out there.

this is when i remember the douchebags' blurry faces that makes me never want to have sex again.

this is when i remember that even when you live in a supposed "cultured" city; you still see more people reading fucking STAR magazine then a fucking book.

this is when i remember i hate the idea of starting celexa even though it was my idea.

so thats when i decided..

everyone who i dont know or love can fucking disintegrate, fall off the face off the fucking planet, explode, drop dead from a rare virus. i dont care.

ALL BUT my cats,my dog, my friends, my family-'cept for daddy-can live.

but the rest can die the fuck off.

i know in actuality id feel bad. but omg.

there is so much hate inside me. it makes me feel ungrateful. it makes me feel like an unkind person.

my emotions can control me occassionally. i can be overly expressive(sp). i know it.

i dont wanna be..but no matter how hard i try to hide it or change..i cant.

darvocets 100 mils pUUUHLEEEZE

loneliness is the only thing that comes to mind. granted, its my fault for feeling that way given that i have had many a chances to see familiar faces.

ill have to be excluded from the gathering of people i love..since i have to join the club at a later date. and its upsetting me for various different reasons. im not like some reclusive icy bitch who only wants to spend time with herself.

i just have sooooo much shit to finish before i hop on a train. i dont feel like im a person who..NYA FUCK IT IM ON TOO MANY SLEEP MEDS RIGHT NOW AND CAN BARELY STOP MYSELF FROM NODDING OFF LIKE IM ON DILUADED.

im this close to relapsing.

sometimes im just like: "just throw yourself down the stairs and go to the ER so they feed you pain meds. its really just all i need right now.

every horrible part of adolescence is just coming back to me in flashes and im FUCKING 20. like, its over. shut up.stop it. go away.

i would just really love to chew on some percocet right now. thats all i want! shit! is that too much to fucking ask?! just on heavenly tablet with m347 inscribed on on side. a ten millagram godsend that makes me salivate by reflex.

i feel so fucking dead. and whiney.

fuck it.

seriously.

FUCK IT.

"you're a product of our language," brandy says. "and how our laws are and how we believe our God wants us. every bitty molecule about you had already been thought out by some million people before you," she says. "anything you can do is boring and old and perfectly okay. you're safe because you're so trapped inside your culture. anything you can conceive of is fine because you can conceive of it. you cant imagine any way to escape. there's no way you can get out," brandy says. "The world," brandy says, "is your cradle abd your trap."

brandy says, "and if you can find any way out of our culture, then thats a trap, too. just wanting to get out of the trap reinforces the trap."

-

quotes from a book i read a long time ago.

and just re-read.

moving on to more huxley, dostoevsky, etc etc.

'her light eyes were dancing/she is insane/my brother says she's just a bitch/on a golden chain/she keeps coming closer saying: "i can feel it in my bones"/"schizophrenia is taking me home!"'

X_X GRRR

secure the ground

17th
na ha ha look its my fav album at age 16!->>>>>

i smoked WAY too much weed then. got up to about an ounce a week.

shit nig. no wonder im still semi retarded.

AS I RECALL:

no one can ever just spill their noodles. we are constantly explaining ourselves when we needn't bother.
THINK OF THE TIME WE COULD SAVE. ill explain later. <--OH SEE THERE I JUST FUCKING DID IT UNINTENTIONALLY! FOR REALSIES THOUGH. I HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED. .. so i had a dream a very bright crocadile was in my way. i was trying to leave my fake house for a fake party or fake dinner or fake gathering of some sort.. and this neon crocadile kept attempting to crawl on my body. it was trying to stop me from leaving. i remember feeling its dry..scales? are they? i felt them on me.. and i was truly terrified. oh! and after that! there were trains! i think i was controlling the one i was on..its was TOO FAST and sporadically slamming into sharp left and right turns but never going off the tracks. if there even were tracks. and the thing is, it was the anticipation of a crash or flailing off the tracks into oblivion that killed me. then there was my weekly dream of rape..sharks..a tent made out some sort of blue tarp material..a yearning for a lesbian conquest with a random aquantince(sp?) ..some blood. vicodin. the usual. i cant find my friend. and im uber pissed. i dont like having to take pills anymore to calm down. there was a time i could meditate. too bad it only lasted for a short while. FUCK YOU CIVILIZATION. I DONT FEEL VERY CIVILIZED YOU FUCKING JAR OF FUCKING MAYO. go fall down a flight of stairs. cunts.

its getting tense.she dances on,she dances awful.

UFDHAIOGFLKJAL;DFODFOPDKFJIGNFIJOJDFHRMG,FMDOIOBUHUIO

thats.fucking.it.brah.

i swear to our lady of guadelupe, im gonna fucking lose it. more than i already have.

my home pretty soon will soon a place where a wake is being held--which means i plan on covering up every goddamn mirror in the cocksucking house. i have a ZERO TOLERANCE LEVEL sometimes when it comes to my appearance. somedays i just..cant even..there are no words..there are NO WORDS. i know im not like 300 pounds with severe acne and i dont need a goddamn wheelchair to haul my fat ass around. no, i dont have pancreatic cancer or fucking hunningtons. im not sexually attracted to couches or addicted to meth. im not mentally retarded(to my knowladge) and i dont have to be fed through a tube because of some freak accident and i am not a goddamn quadriplegic blah blah. iKNOW! voice in my head says: "oh evie? why do you complain?"..BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN GODDAMMIT!FUCK YOUR MOTHER ILL SAY WHAT I WANT THIS WEEK! THIS IS THE BRAIN I WAS FUCKING BORN WITH AND IT THINKS THESE HORRIBLE UNGRATEFUL THINGS! IT IS FUCKING MADDENING AND CHILDISH BUT GODDAMMIT I AM A FUCKING CHILD SOMETIMES. DEAL, ASSHOLE.

im ridiculously self concious. sometimes i think it even stops me from seeing people i care about. or following through with anything. my good friend has kind of stopped eating due to the heartbreak i was referring to in my last post. shit like that takes you out of your "right mind"..and.. you start participating in activities that are stupid JUST so you can distract yourself in regards to the pain. drinking, starving yourself, going somewhere crowded just so you dont sit still in a despondant bubble all day. theyre all fucked up coping mechanisms in a way to take yourself out of your body or make you feel any kind of physical pain or perhaps feel nothing at all. you'd rather be passing out on the cold bathroom tile from low blood sugar instead of dizzying yourself with details about why you love someone who lied to you and ultimately mindfucked you into hysteria and numbing despair and desperation. i can empathize and just want to help.

i dont know what im doing. ever.

and even if i did..i would still be bad at life.

i dont want to die..just go on holiday..again.

my head hurts

my teeth hurt

my lungs feel like theyre being crushed.

i asked her " but if we both die, who will tell our life stories?"

she responds: "no one. and we will die. unknown. the end."....i tell her thats sad. she says we'll be dead so we wont even know it. huh.

i have NEVER been the more positive one in any relationship. but i dont even care. this is what connects this friend and i. sometimes its just..misery that brings people together.

the icing on the cake-a girl she went to middle school has got the AIDS virus..and to top that off is pregnant and could be giving birth to a possible AIDS baby.

WEAK. LAME.

feeling, doesnt make you a pussy.

i used to think it did. still kinda do.

a complicated/dysfunctional but good hearted friend of mine got dumped by the love of her life for another girl yesterday. she found out every kind of lie he could possibly tell he was telling..but she doesnt even know for how long, shes wondering "how long has it been this fake? was it ever real?"

we talked for 3 hours on the phone yesterday. i could sympathize and empathize because i still do love her a great deal AND ive had the exact same thing happen to me twice in a row. so i know precisely how it feels when the pain is fresh, and exactly how it starts to heal once you realize how little they deserve you. it does take time, LOTS of it, or at least it feels that way. i think im the only person she has to talk about it with. "hes just a little bitch, he lied and he bitched out. hes a decietful person. and he can take all the time he needs but i wont be here when he gets back. but my heart is in a million pieces and as horrible as hes been i just want him to come back. i dont know whats wrong with me? i feel so embarrased, ive always been so strong-but, this makes me want to die. ive never felt this horrible about someone in my life. i think this is my first legit heartbreak."

she hides her emotions a lot. her life..has been pretty fucked up. and the people who she knows and who surround her seem like they wont even take the time to care. i met her at private school, she was my first real friend there, and the only one who didnt judge me. we started hanging out because we both had one main thing (well, two if you count weed) that connected us. we both had this insurmountable rage inside that caused us to loathe and scream about everything around us. she loves to read. and even though sometimes i have been hurt. and i considered just leaving all those people behind that were around her causing me to think she wasnt a real friend. sometimes she couldnt be i dont think. but, i dont know..i still feel like i can get her. and i still love her. she just gets confused, shes not a bad person. she may not know everything about me, but she knows a lot. and i need to be there for her. for some reason she thinks shes not entitled to feel these awful things and be upset and want to die. she thinks that would make her a pussy. but it wouldnt, it just makes her mortal.

oh yeah..so i get the feeling no one really wants to read this shit i put up. maybe its dull or something. well, whatever. im tired and angry and on my rag. i found an old journal entry that i want to put up but im considering just deleting all this shit. it seems kind of pointless.

i think i wrote this in july?:

"im not mlk; but i did have a dream..

and it was last night. and it was awful. i woke up feeling disgusting.

in it a repungnant trashy guy was supposedly my bf and he kept raping me. and after the third time i started to like it. like about a day before i start bleeding out of my vagina i go to what i call "the bad place"
ITS SUCKS SO HARD
and those stupid lyrics just keeps repeating over and over again in my head,NYA!:

"can you believe she said that?

can you believe she repeated that?

'i hate myself, and i want..to die'

i said

'i said i hate myself and i wa-a-ant..

to die'"
JUST THAT ONE PART OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
I DONT UNDERSTAND I MEAN ITS JUST PMS i have CHRONIC pms
but everything felt like it was going so well! and then SPLAT. i get sad again."

okay i must go i feel disgusting the thunder is scaring me.

i really just want SOME FUCKING PERCOCET GOD IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

ITS NOT ME..i think.

my whole life, people really havent been that nice. unless you count my mother. and the people who i NOW (the ones who werent douchebags) call my close buddies.
i always thought well: "you're just annoying, which makes it really hard for people to act kind towards you." im slowly, SLOWLY BUT SURELY, learning how wrong i was about that. its not me-exactly, people are just.. emotionally stunted assholes. no, thats seriously it. i mean, granted there is more to it i suppose.. which means i just kind of contradicted myself..but still. maybe annoying wasnt the right word, more like..off-putting?overly.."intense"<-9_9 idk. either/or.
theres is this daily sometimes only weekly occurance where- only when im NOT trying, ill feel things or see things that are going to happen in a way. it runs in my family. on my irish side. it only started with dreams. but now its vibes, sometimes dreams. like an hunch. sometimes i feel like i just know. and then it turns out that i kinda do. in a way. usually when people have to tell me something they dont want to tell me- i stop them and im like: "dude-i kinda already felt this happening before you said anything"
sometimes when my mother or someone close to me is having a horrible day, i call or try to get a hold of them one way or the other and ask them if they are okay. usually, they tell me: "no."
or if i walk by a house or building and it gives me nausea and/or chills-i feel like something fucked up when down there. certain people throw me off also, physically speaking. i know what you're thinking(NOT know know, but you get what i mean): "this is just called INSTINCT-everybody has that." and i agree. but, also i acknowledge that there are certain days or images i see that cannot be described by simply 'instinct' given the details and circumstances' of the situation.
TRA LA LA LA LAAA IM GOING NOW-I DONT KNOW WHY I PUT A HEART DIAGRAM UP I THINK ITS BECAUSE I USED TO DRAW HUMAN HEARTS A LOT WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER..GAY.

DONT READ IF YOU ARE IN A BAD PLACE, ITS GROSS<3

hm. so i dont know if i should post this, since, if anyone reads it..it might actually send them to some wretched -visual places. i struggled back and forth with the idea..and decided to put it up, but with a forewarning in the title-therefore making it obvious that you should NOT read it if you are feeling terrible already or particularly fragile which of course i understand.

(OH AND THATS DAN AURBACH------------------------>>>>

IF YOU'RE LIKE WTF? yes the guitar player in that band ive been obsessed with since i was 12 and bought their first album.tbk. theyre nauseatingly..(word?) popular now that im 20.)

9th
okay so. horrific, HORRIFIC DREAMS. all night. every night. if its not me being six months pregnant while shooting up heroin; its me-getting raped, with a knife. and yes, i can practically FEEL it. or im running, from this ginger i used to know, who got into some shit with the law because he fucking touched someone who didnt want him to..and, well; he really shouldnt have done that. NOT THAT HE'S BEING PUNISHED OR ANYTHING FSIODOJAHGHTGGDIHGSDIFG! no- im pretty sure he got off easy, so to speak. i mean, i can feel it. if you know me youll know what i mean by 'feel.' anyways, in my dream, i can feel him chasing me, and i know its him. hes like, hot on my trail. IVE GOT JOSEPH WITH ME THOUGH; yet i still feel petrified. i think i get out of the house alive. its on the same street where i went to elementary and middle school. i think earthan went to school there..im not positive. i have to go work out now. i dont know why writing it down makes me feel safer? ..no not safer..better?

"outliving beauty's outward with a mind that doth renew swifter than blood decays."

written in the 8th..posted on the 9th.

8th

alright.
sad books, sad tv, sad goals, sad attitude.
jesus. i dont know when it got so immensely hard to cope or act like ive learned something from life's "lessons."
if one more person asks me what i want to do with my life im going to cut their throat. and it will just be, you know; reflex.
theres this cold sweat that happens when something utterly dissapointing comes at me out of nowhere. i almost cant describe how horrible this feeling is and how long it takes to go away. i dont want to cry when it happens, more..throw myself down a elevator shaft. just so it will stop, strangling my heart, slicing through my thoughts, taking up my time, and pulling me-NO-pushing me til im good and horizontal. my sleeping patterns are erratic and everything terrible happens when the moon is at its fullest, invading my dreams and fucking with the tides.
i couldnt walk today, every step was like a battle. i almost wish sometimes i was in an asylum. people would "take care" of me and fill me with thorazine or librium. granted it would be wretched after awhile. trying to tread above the surface while nearly drowning in molasses.
even sober i acknowladge that im sleeping walking through life and am far too lethargic to do anything about it.
im..so..furious. at everyone, everything. 24/7.
why do i pray to the universe if i already feel hopeless? i know, i know. im not. every dog has its day. even the retarded people who work at goodwill eventually start to look like healthy, happy, normal functioning human beings. IM NOT SAYING I ENVY PEOPLE WITH DOWN SYNDROME. THAT WOULD SUCK.

poems already put on facefuck, dont bother looking if you've seen them before.

(giricocola)*
there is a catatonic gloss i have caught,
from brief seconds of significance.
i turn the bottle on its head,
and wait for the honey to slide down.

i step-
left, left,
right, left,
right, right-
like an uneducated prince.

I CANT MAKE A SPARK.
I GOT NO CLASS.
i play with the surface,
while boredom follows.
with stillborns hovering near my eardrums.

they say,
structure is your friend-
they say,
denial spreads like wildfire.

And I continued to get my hands dirty,
in search of something sparkling, yet sweet.

though it may rile you when I say..

luna is mine-
those are my stars,
this is my sky,
this is my ribcage,
that is my aphrodite..
that is my fucking parasite to obliterate.
and lastly,
this is my ground to stumble on.

its all part of the routine.
-

*paranoia will destroy you

so today i cut your spine in half
but dont sweat-
it didnt really happen

i escaped from a burning building
seconds before the smoke inhalation or flames could do me in
but no..i wasnt really there

i was underwater
in the mediterranean sea
curled up in the fetal position
and flinching at the thought of ECT paddles
grasping my heart

thats how i felt
thats where i thought had been
at 2 in the afternoon

today i turned electric
its not what you're thinking,
just take my word for it-

i was so electric that everything was premeditated
i wasnt in control
of going back in time
SO FAR BACK YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE
there werent even dinosaurs

just dust,
then monsters,
then heat

..then white hot nothing.