written in the 8th..posted on the 9th.
8th
alright.
sad books, sad tv, sad goals, sad attitude.
jesus. i dont know when it got so immensely hard to cope or act like ive learned something from life's "lessons."
if one more person asks me what i want to do with my life im going to cut their throat. and it will just be, you know; reflex.
theres this cold sweat that happens when something utterly dissapointing comes at me out of nowhere. i almost cant describe how horrible this feeling is and how long it takes to go away. i dont want to cry when it happens, more..throw myself down a elevator shaft. just so it will stop, strangling my heart, slicing through my thoughts, taking up my time, and pulling me-NO-pushing me til im good and horizontal. my sleeping patterns are erratic and everything terrible happens when the moon is at its fullest, invading my dreams and fucking with the tides.
i couldnt walk today, every step was like a battle. i almost wish sometimes i was in an asylum. people would "take care" of me and fill me with thorazine or librium. granted it would be wretched after awhile. trying to tread above the surface while nearly drowning in molasses.
even sober i acknowladge that im sleeping walking through life and am far too lethargic to do anything about it.
im..so..furious. at everyone, everything. 24/7.
why do i pray to the universe if i already feel hopeless? i know, i know. im not. every dog has its day. even the retarded people who work at goodwill eventually start to look like healthy, happy, normal functioning human beings. IM NOT SAYING I ENVY PEOPLE WITH DOWN SYNDROME. THAT WOULD SUCK.
sad books, sad tv, sad goals, sad attitude.
jesus. i dont know when it got so immensely hard to cope or act like ive learned something from life's "lessons."
if one more person asks me what i want to do with my life im going to cut their throat. and it will just be, you know; reflex.
theres this cold sweat that happens when something utterly dissapointing comes at me out of nowhere. i almost cant describe how horrible this feeling is and how long it takes to go away. i dont want to cry when it happens, more..throw myself down a elevator shaft. just so it will stop, strangling my heart, slicing through my thoughts, taking up my time, and pulling me-NO-pushing me til im good and horizontal. my sleeping patterns are erratic and everything terrible happens when the moon is at its fullest, invading my dreams and fucking with the tides.
i couldnt walk today, every step was like a battle. i almost wish sometimes i was in an asylum. people would "take care" of me and fill me with thorazine or librium. granted it would be wretched after awhile. trying to tread above the surface while nearly drowning in molasses.
even sober i acknowladge that im sleeping walking through life and am far too lethargic to do anything about it.
im..so..furious. at everyone, everything. 24/7.
why do i pray to the universe if i already feel hopeless? i know, i know. im not. every dog has its day. even the retarded people who work at goodwill eventually start to look like healthy, happy, normal functioning human beings. IM NOT SAYING I ENVY PEOPLE WITH DOWN SYNDROME. THAT WOULD SUCK.
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