"and at some point that sorrow will become a sweet spaciousness"

i feel sick.

i havent been able to move or eat much at all for like the past four days or so.

today was a strange day.

i walk outside and it everything feels unclean. and dead.

first i see a lady crying in her car while driving.

then i wait in a safeway parking lot and watch the parasites that surround me.

the sneezing man blasting britney spears in his stupid PT cruiser.

the giggling teens parking then checking their hair incessantly and ducking down behind the car doors so the employee they are visiting they can sneak up on. their laughter makes me nausous.

a greasy minority with snazzy cheap shades smiles after dicking around with the shopping carts and kisses one of the giddy fat teens.

a gnarly man with with a trucker hat and a rat braid pulls up next to our parked car, he puffs on his filthy cigarette-and slams the door loud next my ear while departing the vehichle.

i turn to my right and theres an National Rifles Association sticker on his car which appears warn and old. how. fucking. perfect.

a giant woman pulls up in a dirt covered gold mini van. she spends a fucking ridiculous amout of time teasing her hair with a fucking comb. on the way there i see people stuffing their faces. i see stereotype after stereotype whiz passed me.

i hadnt eaten..im about to pass out right there. we go to blockbuster.

i get there and am reminded how shitty their selection is. i walk in..well, more like, drag myself in. i cant take my sunglasses off, its too bright. there is one other family in there.

all i hear is the mother repeating herself over and over to her sons "pink panther 2 is HILARIOUS. i laughed out loud." i wanted to tell her she was the biggest idiot ever-then i also wanted to give her kudos on her bravery for saying that shit out loud. "you are a very brave retard. good day."

fuck.

i go to check out. the fucking cashier tries to talk me into a rewards deal for my rentals. goddammit, fuck off. i notice though, that she has what looks like a shark bite scar on her left arm. i am fascinated by this. i almost ask her what ocean she was swimming in and if it was a bull shark. but i restrain myself even though people ask me about my fucking arm all the time.

after 6 goddamn minutes of her trying to convince me to spend an extra 10 bucks i tell her that shes a good seller, but i aint buyin'.

i leave.

in the car on the way home i people-watch again-everyone is loud and monsterously huge. we pass adult store, after adult store.

thats when i remind her how much i fucking loathe humanity-how people make me homicidal..how everyones a fucking retard.

i go home finish a book-watch a film and lay on my back. then i turn on law in order SVU and watch the first ep. until its over. in the end the father of an adopted damadged girl(who didnt know she was a sociopath) finds out she has to get the death penalty, and has already lost one daughter. he tries to convince the DA to change the sentence-she says she cant, and he makes this face. and walks away. i immediately burst into tears like the biggest baby.

this is when i remember that people create hell on earth. that we get more blood thirsty and dependant on technology everyday..and distanced from our souls.

this is when i remember that groups like NAMBLA exist.

this is when i remember how many bad parents there are out there.

this is when i remember the douchebags' blurry faces that makes me never want to have sex again.

this is when i remember that even when you live in a supposed "cultured" city; you still see more people reading fucking STAR magazine then a fucking book.

this is when i remember i hate the idea of starting celexa even though it was my idea.

so thats when i decided..

everyone who i dont know or love can fucking disintegrate, fall off the face off the fucking planet, explode, drop dead from a rare virus. i dont care.

ALL BUT my cats,my dog, my friends, my family-'cept for daddy-can live.

but the rest can die the fuck off.

i know in actuality id feel bad. but omg.

there is so much hate inside me. it makes me feel ungrateful. it makes me feel like an unkind person.

my emotions can control me occassionally. i can be overly expressive(sp). i know it.

i dont wanna be..but no matter how hard i try to hide it or change..i cant.