feeling, doesnt make you a pussy.

i used to think it did. still kinda do.

a complicated/dysfunctional but good hearted friend of mine got dumped by the love of her life for another girl yesterday. she found out every kind of lie he could possibly tell he was telling..but she doesnt even know for how long, shes wondering "how long has it been this fake? was it ever real?"

we talked for 3 hours on the phone yesterday. i could sympathize and empathize because i still do love her a great deal AND ive had the exact same thing happen to me twice in a row. so i know precisely how it feels when the pain is fresh, and exactly how it starts to heal once you realize how little they deserve you. it does take time, LOTS of it, or at least it feels that way. i think im the only person she has to talk about it with. "hes just a little bitch, he lied and he bitched out. hes a decietful person. and he can take all the time he needs but i wont be here when he gets back. but my heart is in a million pieces and as horrible as hes been i just want him to come back. i dont know whats wrong with me? i feel so embarrased, ive always been so strong-but, this makes me want to die. ive never felt this horrible about someone in my life. i think this is my first legit heartbreak."

she hides her emotions a lot. her life..has been pretty fucked up. and the people who she knows and who surround her seem like they wont even take the time to care. i met her at private school, she was my first real friend there, and the only one who didnt judge me. we started hanging out because we both had one main thing (well, two if you count weed) that connected us. we both had this insurmountable rage inside that caused us to loathe and scream about everything around us. she loves to read. and even though sometimes i have been hurt. and i considered just leaving all those people behind that were around her causing me to think she wasnt a real friend. sometimes she couldnt be i dont think. but, i dont know..i still feel like i can get her. and i still love her. she just gets confused, shes not a bad person. she may not know everything about me, but she knows a lot. and i need to be there for her. for some reason she thinks shes not entitled to feel these awful things and be upset and want to die. she thinks that would make her a pussy. but it wouldnt, it just makes her mortal.

oh yeah..so i get the feeling no one really wants to read this shit i put up. maybe its dull or something. well, whatever. im tired and angry and on my rag. i found an old journal entry that i want to put up but im considering just deleting all this shit. it seems kind of pointless.

i think i wrote this in july?:

"im not mlk; but i did have a dream..

and it was last night. and it was awful. i woke up feeling disgusting.

in it a repungnant trashy guy was supposedly my bf and he kept raping me. and after the third time i started to like it. like about a day before i start bleeding out of my vagina i go to what i call "the bad place"
ITS SUCKS SO HARD
and those stupid lyrics just keeps repeating over and over again in my head,NYA!:

"can you believe she said that?

can you believe she repeated that?

'i hate myself, and i want..to die'

i said

'i said i hate myself and i wa-a-ant..

to die'"
JUST THAT ONE PART OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
I DONT UNDERSTAND I MEAN ITS JUST PMS i have CHRONIC pms
but everything felt like it was going so well! and then SPLAT. i get sad again."

okay i must go i feel disgusting the thunder is scaring me.

i really just want SOME FUCKING PERCOCET GOD IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!