darvocets 100 mils pUUUHLEEEZE

loneliness is the only thing that comes to mind. granted, its my fault for feeling that way given that i have had many a chances to see familiar faces.

ill have to be excluded from the gathering of people i love..since i have to join the club at a later date. and its upsetting me for various different reasons. im not like some reclusive icy bitch who only wants to spend time with herself.

i just have sooooo much shit to finish before i hop on a train. i dont feel like im a person who..NYA FUCK IT IM ON TOO MANY SLEEP MEDS RIGHT NOW AND CAN BARELY STOP MYSELF FROM NODDING OFF LIKE IM ON DILUADED.

im this close to relapsing.

sometimes im just like: "just throw yourself down the stairs and go to the ER so they feed you pain meds. its really just all i need right now.

every horrible part of adolescence is just coming back to me in flashes and im FUCKING 20. like, its over. shut up.stop it. go away.

i would just really love to chew on some percocet right now. thats all i want! shit! is that too much to fucking ask?! just on heavenly tablet with m347 inscribed on on side. a ten millagram godsend that makes me salivate by reflex.

i feel so fucking dead. and whiney.

fuck it.

seriously.

FUCK IT.

"you're a product of our language," brandy says. "and how our laws are and how we believe our God wants us. every bitty molecule about you had already been thought out by some million people before you," she says. "anything you can do is boring and old and perfectly okay. you're safe because you're so trapped inside your culture. anything you can conceive of is fine because you can conceive of it. you cant imagine any way to escape. there's no way you can get out," brandy says. "The world," brandy says, "is your cradle abd your trap."

brandy says, "and if you can find any way out of our culture, then thats a trap, too. just wanting to get out of the trap reinforces the trap."

-

quotes from a book i read a long time ago.

and just re-read.

moving on to more huxley, dostoevsky, etc etc.

'her light eyes were dancing/she is insane/my brother says she's just a bitch/on a golden chain/she keeps coming closer saying: "i can feel it in my bones"/"schizophrenia is taking me home!"'

X_X GRRR