its getting tense.she dances on,she dances awful.

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thats.fucking.it.brah.

i swear to our lady of guadelupe, im gonna fucking lose it. more than i already have.

my home pretty soon will soon a place where a wake is being held--which means i plan on covering up every goddamn mirror in the cocksucking house. i have a ZERO TOLERANCE LEVEL sometimes when it comes to my appearance. somedays i just..cant even..there are no words..there are NO WORDS. i know im not like 300 pounds with severe acne and i dont need a goddamn wheelchair to haul my fat ass around. no, i dont have pancreatic cancer or fucking hunningtons. im not sexually attracted to couches or addicted to meth. im not mentally retarded(to my knowladge) and i dont have to be fed through a tube because of some freak accident and i am not a goddamn quadriplegic blah blah. iKNOW! voice in my head says: "oh evie? why do you complain?"..BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN GODDAMMIT!FUCK YOUR MOTHER ILL SAY WHAT I WANT THIS WEEK! THIS IS THE BRAIN I WAS FUCKING BORN WITH AND IT THINKS THESE HORRIBLE UNGRATEFUL THINGS! IT IS FUCKING MADDENING AND CHILDISH BUT GODDAMMIT I AM A FUCKING CHILD SOMETIMES. DEAL, ASSHOLE.

im ridiculously self concious. sometimes i think it even stops me from seeing people i care about. or following through with anything. my good friend has kind of stopped eating due to the heartbreak i was referring to in my last post. shit like that takes you out of your "right mind"..and.. you start participating in activities that are stupid JUST so you can distract yourself in regards to the pain. drinking, starving yourself, going somewhere crowded just so you dont sit still in a despondant bubble all day. theyre all fucked up coping mechanisms in a way to take yourself out of your body or make you feel any kind of physical pain or perhaps feel nothing at all. you'd rather be passing out on the cold bathroom tile from low blood sugar instead of dizzying yourself with details about why you love someone who lied to you and ultimately mindfucked you into hysteria and numbing despair and desperation. i can empathize and just want to help.

i dont know what im doing. ever.

and even if i did..i would still be bad at life.

i dont want to die..just go on holiday..again.

my head hurts

my teeth hurt

my lungs feel like theyre being crushed.

i asked her " but if we both die, who will tell our life stories?"

she responds: "no one. and we will die. unknown. the end."....i tell her thats sad. she says we'll be dead so we wont even know it. huh.

i have NEVER been the more positive one in any relationship. but i dont even care. this is what connects this friend and i. sometimes its just..misery that brings people together.

the icing on the cake-a girl she went to middle school has got the AIDS virus..and to top that off is pregnant and could be giving birth to a possible AIDS baby.

WEAK. LAME.