jaws of morning glories. FUCK YOU

datum gemacht:1/25/10: ~10:32pm

*it blends too fast

when i sleep,

i try to seawalk

in flats,

and hopelessly fail

with paralyzed feet,

off the mark.

up the roller coaster blindfolded,

a therapists voiceover..

grasping the bars beside me

while recalling what the

gangland hispanic dwarves

did to my cunt

and,

there were other girls too..

back in my attic,

kicking the mattress

searching for

my little blue wishbox,

and the treasure that masks

the ever potent clarity

of

the goddamned

truth

lit by unseen shapes when stars spin in their habitrail.

its all around. like the fucking plague.

'This was poorly planned

And executed twice as bad

And now we’re swapping stories ‘cross the table
Yeah, it’s rather sad

That mom would cry ’cause dad got mad

So she locked herself in a burnt out house

While wedding bells were ringing out
This was poorly wrote

It’s a shipwreck note for note

Despite it’s many flaws it has you smitten
You’re blinded by a verse or two

Convinced that they’re all about you

But I’m drunk and just sittin’swingin’ on your front porch singing

Keep it to yourself

Make your life a living hell

Die a little every day

Most people die that way
And when it all went wrong

You became a ghost

It’s not as hard as you’d supposed

We’re animals wearing clothes

Well now you know my tricks

I oversimplify a bit

And I break things down until they’re small and friendly
Well that includes your heart

And like a rundown shopping cart

Goes creaking down the aisle

Throwing sparks and faking smiles

Keep it to yourself

Make your life a living hell

Die a little every day

Most people die that way
And when it all went wrong

You became a ghost

It’s not as hard as you’d supposed

We’re animals wearing clothes'

evie HATES evie.

yes! can she swim!?

its time for a bigger change.

like, im seriously.

sobriety was the first "step" and now that ive got that down to a dull roar.

i want smiles. and people who can accept the real me. here. more so..

and constantly buying new crystals, books and anti depressants arent going to do the j-o-b.

therapy is..helpful. i think.

my dreams are shifting and im STARTING to get used to feeling everything really strongly.

i wouldnt say im intense like ive been hearing my whole life-just, hypersensitive and slightly ragey. on occassion.

the one thing ive ever actually been proud of is my ability to be alone, a LOT. its not a talent.

but-its helped me know who i am a little better OFF the drugs. and for that, im thankful.

i still wake up, not knowing where the fuck i am and whos body im in.

but, if i dont die off young-that could very well change.

the thing is..

im alice. and im constantly in wonderland..and im 20 now.. so i cant fucking stay there forever.

even though it may be easier..its not realistic.

i just wish charlie b. would come back to life and tell me how to make it, minus all the alcohol consumption he had adapted to. he'd probably tell me there is no fucking rulebook to life.

and id be all like: "yeah. so, like, what we're you thinking when you wrote that short story about blah and blah in the most beautiful woman in town..?"

and he'd be all like: "shit! JESUS! i dont know! fuck, i was probably drunk..wait..oh, i remember.."

but im not saying that people dont need people.

but i also think that it is partly a media-myth that we cant function or even wipe our asses after utilizing the toilet without thinking about someone else. maybe..im just..super self involved but-idk, thats just me sometimes.

and i kinda feel okay with it.

but i WANNA love someday. and i just might. all i know is im writing. im still fucked up. but goddamn, it is SO much better here.

i cannot believe i spent 19 fucking years of my life in that asshole of a city. it was like perpetual suffocation.

i kinda wanna play drums.

and work in a music store. (OMG IM PRETENTIOUS)

and compose some sort of anthology that ill never let anybody read.

just..

for me? yeah that sounds about right.

and maybe get a cat when i move out and name it dinah. since, ive always wanted to do that-because im suuuuch a faggot WOW.

jesus. eating. pussy.

we fall fast, mercy me; never lasts

no meal in days. cant sleep. the nightmares make me force myself to stay lucid and aware as long as possible. and when i cant take the upright strain anymore, i let myself lay down..but tell myself not to close me eyes.

theyre after me. these fuckers are after me.

my tummy hurts. i cant stop praying.

sometimes i pray for 45-60mins. fear so much fear. i cant stop writing in this stupid notebook which i hate. and..i..whatever.

i balance out my consumption of clonazepam with 3 cups of coffee a day and shittons of tea--so i have just enough caffeine to not ever fall asleep and just enough tranqs so i dont end up in a ward. obviously i record the consumption of all these drugs in my books so i dont overdose. but sometimes i take too much ambien and just end up drawing lillies or really deformed gardens.

i cant eat. its gross. i keep stabbing things. i try to vocalize my feelings so i dont have nightmares about them when i eventually pass out. and occasionally if i know im asleep and im in a nightmare where something bad is about to happen- like, really fucking bad, i have a way to wake myself up sort of before it does..it either involves hitting myself in the head or blinking real hard in the nightmare till i become conscious again. im a shit writer. im also a nigger. but everyone knows that. they all know it when they look at me the way they do..nice or mean..big or small. im also a genital-phobic dyke who looks at naked pictures of women all day and feels dirty and ashamed. i dont want to feel that down-low tickle when i see a naked girl. i want to be normal. i thought i was a poet..i had a lot to say. but now i want to just see everyone burn.

i watched a movie about an autistic teenage boy from belgium..no..nether--?..whatever-- who is obsessed with videos games gets tortured at his school and fakes his own suicide-then i fell completely in love with this flemish-speaking beautiful nervous wreck. i wanted to hold him and cradle him and whisper in his ear that i wish everyone was as special and perfect as he was. and that i dont understand this world either.

whatever.

i mean, everything i say means nothing right? so, whatever. i will become the perfect catholic girl and stay away from all the baddies. and there are lots of baddies outside in the world..roaming the streets-hungry to kill or mindfuck me. so i am scared, and i will stay here, and i will stay awake. hail mary full of grace the lord is with thee..

im sorry. im so sorry. for being so wasteful and cruel. amen. nazi movie time.

'i was a child/i was on fire/but i stayed alive/while all else died/i held my breath/

what could i say?/and closed my eyes/like marvin gaye/but now ive had enough..

you had your plan/heavy hands/ but the weight was more/than we could stand

breaking like dawn/ singing like birds/we always get what we deserve/but now ive had enough'

"you are as capable as your obsession is profound."

oh god. i hate being half black. i really, really, really fucking do.
i hate liking girls. and i hate feeling like such a freak.
i dont KNOW what "normal" is, im so scared god will punish me if i say that i really wish i did feel normal.
i feel so self absorbed and guilty, i think about death ALL THE TIME and i whine about how much i hate everything and everyone. i have no real friends in this city yet and i dont know if i ever will.
its so irritating that my family wants to help so bad and all i ever do it resent them for it. my mother is so supportive but im always like: "its fucking hopeless, fuck off, i love you. the end."
and i wonder how i got so much hate inside me. i wonder if everything thats ever happened to me is all in my head and im just an ungrateful little bitch. my moms not even pressuring me to get a job..i havent had one since i got laid off from my hell job in pdx..and theyre..so fucking retarded.
im just like "um, why the fuck do you put up with my shit? im 20 and i have no motivation and i told you im never going to.." i think shes hoping and thinking that one day ill be happy and until then she'll keep telling me it will happen and its going to be okay. i hate how scared i am all the time. i hate that i cant get horny. and if i do, it makes me suicidal. i hate thinking no one loves me when the ones that do keep telling me over and over and over and i cant quite..
i dont understand. please god if you exist help understand..my legs my back my arms my WHOLE body hurts. i feel like the complaint police are gonna come find me and make me pay a fine or something. just because i cant believe that folks who are close to me love me doesnt mean i dont love them with all my heart. fuck man.

DONE.

thats it. DONE. OUT.

OFFICIALLY dropping off the face of the planet for awhile because i feel like a fucking nauseated blimp and im pissed as fuck, and im annoyed with EVERYTHING.

im sick of this shit. whatever.

people can think whatever the fuck they want to think about me.

i have no idea how to fix shit.

i cannot sleep.

i cannot function.

taking a deep breath is like trying to rebuild the fucking pyramids of fucking giza.

i am constantly in physical pain. and i have hardly any sympathy inside me right now.

i feel like killing. and when i dont feel like killing others i feel like killing myself.

OKAY GOD! FINE! IM UNGRATEFUL! I ADMIT IT OKAY?! WHO IS THAT INSIDE MY HEAD? IS THAT THE DEVIL OR IS IT THE DIVINE BEING?! WHO THE FUCK IS INSIDE ME MAKING ME WANT TO YANK ALL MY HAIR OUT BY THE ROOTS?! SAY YOUR FUCKING NAME! WHAT ARE YOU!? SHOW YOUR FUCKING FACE!

im DONE.

im so fucking done right now.

now if youll excuse me i have to go have a panic attack.

i want to love you; but you're too pathetic.

"ha, so stop sweatin me coward"