no meal in days. cant sleep. the nightmares make me force myself to stay lucid and aware as long as possible. and when i cant take the upright strain anymore, i let myself lay down..but tell myself not to close me eyes.
theyre after me. these fuckers are after me.
my tummy hurts. i cant stop praying.
sometimes i pray for 45-60mins. fear so much fear. i cant stop writing in this stupid notebook which i hate. and..i..whatever.
i balance out my consumption of clonazepam with 3 cups of coffee a day and shittons of tea--so i have just enough caffeine to not ever fall asleep and just enough tranqs so i dont end up in a ward. obviously i record the consumption of all these drugs in my books so i dont overdose. but sometimes i take too much ambien and just end up drawing lillies or really deformed gardens. 
i cant eat. its gross. i keep stabbing things. i try to vocalize my feelings so i dont have nightmares about them when i eventually pass out. and occasionally if i know im asleep and im in a nightmare where something bad is about to happen- like, really fucking bad, i have a way to wake myself up sort of before it does..it either involves hitting myself in the head or blinking real hard in the nightmare till i become conscious again. im a shit writer. im also a nigger. but everyone knows that. they all know it when they look at me the way they do..nice or mean..big or small. im also a genital-phobic dyke who looks at naked pictures of women all day and feels dirty and ashamed. i dont want to feel that down-low tickle when i see a naked girl. i want to be normal. i thought i was a poet..i had a lot to say. but now i want to just see everyone burn.
i watched a movie about an autistic teenage boy from belgium..no..nether--?..whatever-- who is obsessed with videos games gets tortured at his school and fakes his own suicide-then i fell completely in love with this flemish-speaking beautiful nervous wreck. i wanted to hold him and cradle him and whisper in his ear that i wish everyone was as special and perfect as he was. and that i dont understand this world either.
whatever.
i mean, everything i say means nothing right? so, whatever. i will become the perfect catholic girl and stay away from all the baddies. and there are lots of baddies outside in the world..roaming the streets-hungry to kill or mindfuck me. so i am scared, and i will stay here, and i will stay awake. hail mary full of grace the lord is with thee..
im sorry. im so sorry. for being so wasteful and cruel. amen. nazi movie time.
'i was a child/i was on fire/but i stayed alive/while all else died/i held my breath/
what could i say?/and closed my eyes/like marvin gaye/but now ive had enough..
you had your plan/heavy hands/ but the weight was more/than we could stand
breaking like dawn/ singing like birds/we always get what we deserve/but now ive had enough'
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