oh god. i hate being half black. i really, really, really fucking do.
i hate liking girls. and i hate feeling like such a freak.
i dont KNOW what "normal" is, im so scared god will punish me if i say that i really wish i did feel normal.
i feel so self absorbed and guilty, i think about death ALL THE TIME and i whine about how much i hate everything and everyone. i have no real friends in this city yet and i dont know if i ever will.
its so irritating that my family wants to help so bad and all i ever do it resent them for it. my mother is so supportive but im always like: "its fucking hopeless, fuck off, i love you. the end."
and i wonder how i got so much hate inside me. i wonder if everything thats ever happened to me is all in my head and im just an ungrateful little bitch. my moms not even pressuring me to get a job..i havent had one since i got laid off from my hell job in pdx..and theyre..so fucking retarded.
im just like "um, why the fuck do you put up with my shit? im 20 and i have no motivation and i told you im never going to.." i think shes hoping and thinking that one day ill be happy and until then she'll keep telling me it will happen and its going to be okay. i hate how scared i am all the time. i hate that i cant get horny. and if i do, it makes me suicidal. i hate thinking no one loves me when the ones that do keep telling me over and over and over and i cant quite..
i dont understand. please god if you exist help understand..my legs my back my arms my WHOLE body hurts. i feel like the complaint police are gonna come find me and make me pay a fine or something. just because i cant believe that folks who are close to me love me doesnt mean i dont love them with all my heart. fuck man.
i hate liking girls. and i hate feeling like such a freak.
i dont KNOW what "normal" is, im so scared god will punish me if i say that i really wish i did feel normal.
i feel so self absorbed and guilty, i think about death ALL THE TIME and i whine about how much i hate everything and everyone. i have no real friends in this city yet and i dont know if i ever will.
its so irritating that my family wants to help so bad and all i ever do it resent them for it. my mother is so supportive but im always like: "its fucking hopeless, fuck off, i love you. the end."
and i wonder how i got so much hate inside me. i wonder if everything thats ever happened to me is all in my head and im just an ungrateful little bitch. my moms not even pressuring me to get a job..i havent had one since i got laid off from my hell job in pdx..and theyre..so fucking retarded.
im just like "um, why the fuck do you put up with my shit? im 20 and i have no motivation and i told you im never going to.." i think shes hoping and thinking that one day ill be happy and until then she'll keep telling me it will happen and its going to be okay. i hate how scared i am all the time. i hate that i cant get horny. and if i do, it makes me suicidal. i hate thinking no one loves me when the ones that do keep telling me over and over and over and i cant quite..
i dont understand. please god if you exist help understand..my legs my back my arms my WHOLE body hurts. i feel like the complaint police are gonna come find me and make me pay a fine or something. just because i cant believe that folks who are close to me love me doesnt mean i dont love them with all my heart. fuck man.
"Almost all of us have corporal punishment inflicted on us in our formative years. But the fear and anger such punishment brings with it remain unconscious for a very long time. Children have no choice but suppress their fear and anger, as otherwise they could not sustain their love for their parents, and that love is crucially necessary for their survival. But these emotions, though suppressed, remain stored away in our bodies, and in adulthood they can cause symptoms of varying severity. We may suffer from bouts of depression, attacks of panic fear, or violent reactions towards our children without identifying the true causes of our despair, our fear, or our rage. If we were aware of those causes, it would prevent us from falling ill, because then we would realize that our fathers and mothers no longer have any power over us and can no longer beat us."
ReplyDeletethere are reasons you are in pain and they are not that you are bad. because you are good and wonderful. god is not real, only our parents and other big adults in our lives were real, and they were god. but they cannot punish you any more. and no matter how much they lied, you didn't deserve any of that abuse.
I love you! it's okay that you don't believe it because it's just there. and you will feel it sometimes, and someday. <3<3<3